Tuesday, August 28, 2012

How I Became an Atheist - Part 1

 This is my first time blogging so please forgive my mistakes. Feel free however to point them out, that's how we learn. This includes spelling, grammar and basic blog format errors.
I would also like to point out I am not trying to change anyone's mind about anything. This is just my story of how I got from point A to point B. 

I have not always been an atheist. I grew up in a Christian home. My mother read bible stories to me when I was a child. I Attended Northside Baptist Church for many years. Was a member of the youth group there. Listened to Christian rock bands like Stryper, Whitecross, Holy Soldier, Idle Cure and many more.
So what happened? How did I become an atheist? Well it started the first time God was explained to me. I was told that God created everything. I was told more about God than just that but the created everything is the part that started my journey to atheism.
I'm not sure how old I was at the time but I know I hadn't started school yet. I would lie in bed at night not being able to sleep because of the “created everything” thing. It went like this. If God created everything, where did God come from? If God didn't create everything, where did everything come from? So no matter how you look at it there always had to be something. How is that possible? That kept me awake many nights all through my life.
Now of course when I asked I was told that God always existed but that didn't really help with the “how is that possible?” question. When I tried to press it I was told you shouldn't question God. So I would endure many sleepless nights over many years because a being who has always existed and had the power to create everything didn't like questions.
When I started school I learned about dinosaurs. I loved learning about dinosaurs. I wanted to know how dinosaurs fit in with the bible stories my mom had read to me. Basically I was told that even though what I had learned about dinosaurs seemed to contradict the bible stories, both were true and I should believe both. More sleepless nights.
Then came evolution. Seriously? We came from apes? How can this be true? We all came from Adam and Eve, right? Again both are true. I don't really need to sleep, there's always something good on the Late Night Movie.
This kind of thing went on throughout my school years. More questions that I was supposed to ignore, but I couldn't. I had to find answers and as a christian I was told you can find all the answers in the bible. So I got out my King James Bible and started reading.
First off no answers only more questions. Second it turns out that the loving God that I had been told about all these years is kind of a dick. I'm mean really what an arrogant, selfish asshole. He did horrible things, unforgivable things. So what do I do now?
I did what any good christian would do, I ignored it. Told myself it's not my place to question god. He works in mysterious ways. All those awful this were part of a bigger plan that I couldn't understand. I dismissed all the horrible things going on in the world. Chalked it up to “free will”.
Then September 11, 2001 happened and I got angry. Real angry and nonsensical axioms like “mysterious ways”, “free will” and “part of his plan” were not going to cut it. God needed to answer for this. He need to tell me why. He needed to tell us all why.
At that point I took the blinders off. I started really looking at the world. Saw what a truly fucked up place it has always been.
What kind of a “loving God” can just watch a child be raped tortured and murder (sometimes in his name) and do nothing to stop it. Why is that acceptable? If you or I knew that a child was being tortured and did nothing to stop it we'd should and would be held accountable (although there seems to be a loophole for the catholic church). Why does God get a free pass.
So now I had more questions than ever. Why do we worship a God that allows such terrible things? Why does he allow them. It made no sense. Then it hit me. He doesn't allow anything. He doesn't exist.


  1. Wow. What a moving emotional read. Although I disagree with many things, I understand where your coming from. I believe there are so many things we are not capable of understanding. Our brains have such hidden powers that I believe one day it will all be revealed. The scary thing is, what if your wrong about this. As for bad things happening, its not possible to have free will and life be perfect. Some evil stems from a horrible upbringing while others seem to be born that way. This universe is so magical and so vast that we CAN never understand enough or figure it all out. Its hard for me because I hold science so close to my beliefs.
    I can and do appreciate your writings but yet I feel such emptiness between the lines. You are a great writer though! : )
    As far as people being offended by your beliefs? Yes, life has and will always be that way.

    1. Thanks, Cindy. I appreciate the comment. Some of the things you have touched on I plan to talk about in future posts (I hope to do one a week).